I wrote this at five but am just posting it now:
It is almost 5 in the morning. I have been awake for hours. Something about tonight has triggered me. So I tossed and turned in the sticky humid air as memories flooded me. I attempted unsuccessfully to push away the rumination and the messengers that come in uncomfortable feelings but as always I felt compelled to bring my insomnia out to my words. Why, I don’t know but that is what I do. As soon as I get here I feel somewhat better but atlas the struggle doesn’t end lol. The internet connection is off and I can’t get into my page. I panic a little. I fought with the computer here, pulled out cords and turned off things out there but…to no avail. So I, needing desperately to reach out to some safely invisible someone, do so on a blank page that I can later paste on my site. It is not the same, I discover. When I write on my blog I feel like I am talking to that someone as I write. When I write here…I feel I am just writing…which is great most of the times but there are a few times…like tonight… I just want that feeling of immediate connection…if that makes sense to anyone. The insomniac hours can be lonely hours. J
As I sat at the memorial service tonight for all the deceased ball players, feeling a sense of missing my dad and of an intense renewed realization of the social awkwardness he left me with lol ( I can speak in front of hundreds of people without a glitch in my voice if I have something worthwhile to say …but put me in the middle of a mingling, small talking crowd and I find myself shy and awkward. All I want to do is run!!) I felt very uncomfortable. I felt his loss tonight as well and I was flooded with memories both pleasant and painful as I sat amongst the crowd. Something is brewing in me that I need to pull out. All part of the healing I wrote about today…oops…yesterday.
That blog entry was about the metaphysics of healing. It got much more complicated than I intended it to. I guess…what I meant to say was that the goal of most healing is peace…right? We all want a sense of peace which is the freedom from suffering …be it physical or emotional. When we think of a “peaceful” person…we think of a spiritual person don’t we? Someone who has got it all together like Gandhi or the Dali Lama? Peaceful people operate from spirit getting beyond body and mind. So some type of spiritual connection is essential to healing, wouldn’t you say? We need to heal the body and the mind to get to the soul. The mind is the big thing because the body functioning is dependent on it. Got it?
Sometimes I think my mind is a mess! I know my body is acting up but it is my mind that really needs intervention more so than my body. So many repressed feelings and semi-supressed memories clanging around in this head of mine like a bucket of bolts in the dryer. Try sleeping through that lol. It makes body healing next to impossible…and it makes finding that peace I long for in the spiritual realm challenging to maintain. Thus is the human experience right? In order to feel better physically and to maintain and go beyond the level of peace that is our birthright, I need to remove the bolts. Then I will be able to sleep soundly.
I hear the lovely morning whistle of robin song, followed by the sad coo of a mourning dove. The world outside my window is waking up. The light is slowly filtering in to replace the darkness. The world is waking up and I my dear friends am going back to bed.
All is well in my sleepless world.