Displaying 1 - 5 of 610 entries.

Healing in the Sleepless Hours

  • Posted on July 29, 2016 at 10:46 am

I wrote this at five but am just posting it now: :)

It is almost 5 in the morning.  I have been awake for hours. Something about tonight has triggered me. So I tossed and turned in the sticky humid air as memories flooded me.  I attempted unsuccessfully to push away the rumination and the messengers that come in uncomfortable feelings but as always I felt compelled to bring my insomnia out to my words.  Why, I don’t know but that is what I do.  As soon as I get here I feel somewhat better but atlas the struggle doesn’t end lol.  The internet connection is off and I can’t get into my page.  I panic a little. I fought with the computer here, pulled out cords and turned off things out there but…to no avail. So I, needing desperately to reach out to some safely invisible someone, do so on a blank page that I can later paste on my site.  It is not the same, I discover.  When I write on my blog I feel like I am talking to that someone as I write.  When I write here…I feel I am just writing…which is great most of the times but there are a few times…like tonight… I just want that feeling of immediate connection…if that makes sense to anyone. The insomniac hours can be lonely hours. J

As I sat at the memorial service tonight for all the deceased ball players, feeling a sense of missing my dad and of an intense renewed realization of the social awkwardness he left me with lol ( I can speak in front of hundreds of people without a glitch in my voice if I have something worthwhile to say …but put me in the middle of a mingling, small talking crowd and I find myself shy and awkward.  All I want to do is run!!)  I felt very uncomfortable. I felt his loss tonight as well and I was flooded with memories both pleasant and painful as I sat amongst the crowd. Something is brewing in me that I need to pull out.  All part of the healing I wrote about today…oops…yesterday.

That blog entry was about the metaphysics of healing.  It got much more complicated than I intended it to.  I guess…what I meant to say was that the goal of most healing is peace…right?  We all want a sense of peace which is the freedom from suffering …be it physical or emotional.  When we think of a “peaceful” person…we think of a spiritual person don’t we?  Someone who has got it all together like Gandhi or the Dali Lama? Peaceful people operate from spirit getting beyond body and mind. So some type of spiritual connection is essential to healing, wouldn’t you say?  We need to heal the body and the mind to get to the soul.  The mind is the big thing because the body functioning is dependent on it.  Got it?

Sometimes I think my mind is a mess!  I know my body is acting up but it is my mind that really needs intervention more so than my body.  So many repressed feelings and semi-supressed memories clanging around in this head of mine like a bucket of bolts in the dryer.  Try sleeping through that lol. It makes body healing next to impossible…and it makes finding that peace I long for in the spiritual realm challenging to maintain.   Thus is the human experience right? In order to feel better physically and to maintain and go beyond the level of peace that is our birthright, I need to remove the bolts.  Then I will be able to sleep soundly.

I hear the lovely morning whistle of robin song, followed by the sad coo of a mourning dove.  The world outside my window is waking up. The light is slowly filtering in to replace the darkness.  The world is waking up and I my dear friends am going back to bed.

All is well in my sleepless world.


  • Posted on July 28, 2016 at 7:46 pm

In a few minutes I will be leaving to take part in a ceremony in honor of all the deceased members of the senior ball league here…”The Old Timers”.   My father is being remembered among many of his friends tonight.  He loved the game and was so proud to wear an Ironmen uniform and cap.   A friend and fellow player gave him this cap for his birthday a few months before he passed.  I will always remeber the day I put it on his head and snapped this shot.  He was having a particularly challenging day but once that cap was placed on his head, he came alive again.

Looking good Dad!


Layers of Healing

  • Posted on July 28, 2016 at 12:54 pm

Suffering isn’t ennobling, recovery is.

Christiaan Barnard  (Brainy Quote)


I have been thinking a lot about  healing lately and I see it as a tiered or layered process.  I know, at least, it is for me in my physical and emotional recovery.  Whether we are recovering from a physical disease, mental illness or addiction, financial crisis, or social rejection, the same process is required.  We need to peel back the layers  to get to who we really are.  Once there we will realize that we were never broken to begin with.

Recovery is not about stitching, fixing, removing the shattered pieces of life that have somehow become impacted in our flesh…it is simply about finding ourselves beneath the rubble we created.  Who we really are, rests perfectly intact,  beneath all the layers we have wrapped ourselves in to protect Self.  From what?  From Self.  “Huhhh???”  The rubble, we will realize, never really existed. The problem or  the illness was never the issue. It was simply false protection for something that never needed protection in the first place.  “Say whaaat, crazy lady?????????”  Okay…I am getting ahead of myself.

The perceived need for healing, I believe, often becomes recognizable  in the body, the most superficial layer of Self.  Why? Because that is the top layer we are wrapped in.  The perceived “problem’ often seems to originate on this level…especially when we see the body as all there is to us. And most of us do.  We see and understand the body because it can be perceived easily using our five senses. It is okay to be sick on this tier. It is socially and personally acceptable.  Heck…there is even some secondary gains right?   We may receive compassion, pity, leniency and support if we are faltering here in terms of a medically diagnosed illness. We can  relate to “physical pain and suffering”. Most issues in life will start or end with the body in the form of physical illness or deterioration…and of course death…for that reason.  We recognize and accept it when the body communicates a problem. We have a harder time accepting the need for healing that exists beneath this layer.  We have a challenging  time accepting  that we need to go  beyond physical illness to see what we are being told by our symptoms.

Though we are getting better, acceptance of problems and illness at the level of the mind is still very hard for many of us to deal with.  We shy away from it in ourselves and other people.  We build up social stigmas that relay the message that it is not okay to be not okay at this level. Why?  Because we do not want to face this reality…it is too raw and too real.  Like a wound recently debrided it stings when we remove the top layer of protection…however faulty that protection may have been…and allow the tender flesh of the mind to be exposed.  We do not understand the mind like we understand the body.  Yet it is the mind that determines our perception of the  physical world, including our health.  It is the mind that decides when there is a problem.  It is our mind that “creates” problems. It is the mind  that clings to our painful memories of the past and projects them into a future we become terrified of.  It is the mind that “feels”…and that is the crux of the problem, isn’t it? Feeling?  Emotional pain is the source of most of our issues in life, I believe.  Well not so much the emotional pain but the resistance and avoidance of it.  Mental and social problems arise (the best example of which would be addiction) when we avoid feeling pain.  When we shut out the pain experience…we shut out the entire feeling experience.  We slide through the crack left in the door between  the body and the mind, getting stuck there. So how does all this mind stuff get expressed then?  Often through the body in terms of illness and life-deterioration.

What about the other layer?  Well the deepest layer of Self, I believe, is Spirit…who we really are.  Peel away the bodily issues and pull away the mental/emotional and you have the perfect soul beneath. When we get there…truly get there…(and not all of us will while we are alive) we see we are not broken…never were.  We are as perfect and whole as we were made to be.  So what is with all the other crap on top of us?  From the enlightened perspective, we begin to see that we created it and that it never really existed other than as  a creation of the mind.  …to keep us at the level of the body….so we could simply avoid emotional pain. When we constantly go back to the level of the physical body we shut the door between mind and spirit.  We may tell ourselves we are going to heal by becoming more spiritual and avoid all the “psychology crap.”  There is, however,  no way of transporting ourselves from the body level to the spirit level without travelling through the mind where suffering exists. To get to Spirit we need to recognize and accept suffering.  We have to walk through it.  But once we get to that level of enlightenment we all unknowingly seek…we realize that suffering and illness wasn’t real anywhere but in our minds.   We are already healed.

Healing is recovering the soul beneath. We can let go of the mind once we reach that level of spirituality but right now it is a necessary tool to get us there.  We need to heal at the level of the mind and that requires a letting go of resistance and a willingness to suffer a little bit.

How do I put all that mumbo jumbo in a nutshell? Healing involves removing the layers to recover the soul. If we want to recover, truly heal…we need to look beyond the top layer of physical illness or issues and be willing to walk through the mental corridor to spirit. That means we need to deal with the emotional pain many of us have been avoiding dealing with for way too long.

All is well in my world!

Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.

Khalil Gibran (Brainy Quote)


  • Posted on July 27, 2016 at 9:51 pm

A friend is someone who gives you the total freedom to be yourself.

Jim Morrison


I have been blessed with true and wonderful friends.  Thank you Dora and Pauline :)



Walking with a friend in the dark, is better than walking alone in the light.

Helen Keller

Getting er done!

  • Posted on July 26, 2016 at 10:26 am

Just do it!



Not so easy is it?  To someone like me, right now, the idea of ‘doing it’ fills me with a certain amount of nausea and a lot of confusion.  How?  How do I do it?  Where do I start?

Have you ever been in such a rut that you cannot even get around to writing a to -do list because you know the first thing on that list is “write a to- do list!”  There are so many tasks, so many things I was supposed to have completed months ago…and they are staring back at me in their piles, their dust and their “urgency” to be done.  Man…it is hard sometimes to get er done!  Especially if you have the New Age rationalization crutch  to fall back on that says: ‘Just Be!” lol. Oh I have “be’d” alright…I have be’d, I have be’d and I have be’d right into the middle of my summer.  I mean I am a firm believer of the importance of being…as you know… I love Tagore’s poem…A Moment’s Indulgence…but I think I indulged a little too much.  There is still a “practical” life that has to be lived and yes some “doing” to do. I have to get er done! In my defense I may have a little more doing than many people and a few more obstacles than some.  I tell myself…well if things would only stop  becoming crisis after crisis all around me, if I had more good days physically, if the humidity would go away, if I had some money, if my kids would help out more, if , if , if…  maybe things would get done lol.  I don’t know if that is true…..but maybe…just maybe if things were a little different I would be less than the procrastinator I have become.  Or maybe not! I still maybe tripping over things and closing doors so I cannot see inside in my 90’s.  Oh well…it will get done eventually.

All is well!